Burnout

[00:00:00] Kimber: Welcome back to the, just to be your bad self podcast, where you are worthy of love, just the way you are. I'm your host, Kimber Dutton. And today I'm going to talk to you about burnout. I want to start this episode off with a poem that I found on. Hannah Rowe rights, Instagram account. It's called I shared because you shared, you shared a piece of yourself and I saw myself in it, a piece I had buried once when I thought it was unbecoming, I left it there, locked away and out of sight and nearly forgot it was.

[00:00:40] I thought it was ugly, awful, awkward at best, but the way you shared made me wonder if I had been wrong. It didn't all at once look different, but I noticed a softness I hadn't before for the first time. I wondered if it wasn't something that needed to be hidden for the first time. I thought that maybe I could share it too.

[00:01:04] And that's a poem by Hannah. I'm starting with that poem. I shared it because you shared because that's kind of what happened to me this week. I started therapy. Couple of weeks ago and part of the program is they have an online journal that you can choose to share with your therapist. So anyways, I had written just in this journal for myself and my therapist, my thoughts on burnout. And as I was writing, I just thought. I can't be alone in this other people have got to experience this.

[00:01:41] So I decided to actually post that journal entry on my Instagram and it really struck a cord with people. I'm going to share it with you here because I know not everybody follows me on Instagram that listens to my podcast.

[00:01:56] So I titled this post burnout and easily. This post of all my posts has got the most comments on it. Which kind of surprised me. It was a vulnerable share. I kind of thought. Worst case scenario. If I, if I decided it was a bad decision to put that up, I'll take it down. And I almost did just minutes after posting and, but just minutes after posting the comment started rolling in and I realized there was an important thing that I shared.

[00:02:22] So I'll, I'll read it to you here. It says, I think I'm going through some mommy burnout right now. I love my kids. That's a given. I think they are the funniest cleverest spunkiest people on the planet. But I'm tired of taking care of everyone before you get married. The idea of keeping house and making meals and tucking kids in seems so cute and even desirable like, oh, that would be so nice to have a house and family of my own eight years.

[00:02:53] Then I just feel done with it all and ready for something new. It's like, I've completely lost my ability to enjoy motherhood and I don't know how to get it. Sometimes I know in my head that my kids are being freaking cute and funny, but there's a disconnect from my head to my heart because in my heart, I just feel tired.

[00:03:13] Heart weary. I read these tips on mommy, burnout connect with other adults, drink more water exercise, take baths, treat yourself, do something creative, get help. And I throw myself into these things. Hell I even get childcare twice a week, sometimes more so that I can work on pursuits. Other than motherhood, I have a podcast.

[00:03:34] I exercise. I take breaks. I read, I take a shit ton of baths. I am meeting and connecting with some amazing and powerful. And all of these things help. They really do help, but it feels like I'm just putting band-aids on a leg. That's been chopped off. Like I'm sticking my finger in the hole of the proverbial dike., but I can hear it cracking and groaning.

[00:03:56] And I know my little finger isn't going to hold back all of that water. Is there a way back from this? Do I want to find a way back from that? I don't think so. I want to get through it. I want to believe that there's something on the other side of whatever, this is something better than survival.

[00:04:15] Something that feels like being held. It feels exhausting that the anecdote given to burnout caretakers is self-care. It's like, oh, your burnout from taking care of everyone else. That's because you aren't taking care of enough people. You also need to be taking care of yourself. Sometimes self care feels like it comes with an agenda.

[00:04:36] Self care is only worthy in as much as enables us to get back to the more important work of taking care of everyone else. And why is caretaking work not valued in our culture validation and add a girls are not enough sustenance to enable caretakers, to give out cups, to give out of cups that are absolutely drained.

[00:04:57] And we even have to fight to even get, and we have to fight to even get that half the time we are so trained to give out of guilt and obligation. We feel that if we are tired of motherhood, it must be because we aren't good enough from humps. We aren't good enough moms. We don't love our kids enough. We are lazy.

[00:05:16] We just weren't cut out for it. The caretakers need more support, more income, more breaks, more care given to them. Our society has held up mothers, caretakers, women as martyr Saint figures, and it is toxic. Our egos as women get wrapped around this idea that it is our job to rescue everyone to self sacrifice, to put other people first and to do it with a smile.

[00:05:42] If we are enjoying this unpaid labor of taking care of everyone else, we think what is wrong with me? Why don't I love this? Why doesn't this fulfill me? Why do I feel so tired? Why can't I just be happy? I'm so selfish. I am so lazy. I'll never be enough. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. We are human. We have needs.

[00:06:06] That doesn't mean we aren't strong that we don't love our. We need to be cared for too. We are valuable too. Something's got to give band-aids aren't enough.

[00:06:19] and that's my post. That was my journal entry. That was my vulnerable share on Instagram. And the comments. I don't have a huge following on Instagram. And so the amount of comments on this there's 55 comments on this is huge compared to my following. And I feel like it just really struck a chord.

[00:06:40] I'm going to read a couple of these comments to you. Someone says I'm with you 100%. Thank you for sharing that and being vulnerable. You're inspiring me to go deeper and find my own answers within. Someone else says I was already crying by the second slide. This speaks to my soul. And you just articulated exactly how I feel.

[00:07:02] Someone else says amen to all of that. I wish I had a great answer that I could share a last, I do not. I'm the worst at taking care of myself. Anyways, comment after. Yes, burnout as a mom is so real. Yes. To this over and over again, I'm experiencing something similar currently, someone else's so good, so true. I love, this is one of my favorite comments. I love you. I hear you. I feel you speaking up about this subject is so brave and giving other women the space encouraged to save me to dammit.

[00:07:37] One voice will turn into many changes coming. I can. Another person. I love how many squares, this post inspired damn Kimber so much here that resonates with full-time nurtures and parents someone else? Yes. Yes. Yes. Mike drop. Just I'll share more of these comments as we as we go through this episode, because there are some really good thoughts in here that I want to share with everyone, but I was a little.

[00:08:03] I don't know, surprised and not surprised, I guess. I, I know that burnout is an issue. I'm surprised at how deeply this seemed to resonate with people and how many people spoke up to say, yeah, me too. I have experienced this too. And.

[00:08:20] The reason I'm doing this podcast episode, isn't to give you a solution for burnout, because obviously I don't have one. I mean, I, I have not, I have never claimed with my podcast to be any kind of experts, if anything. Trying to become an expert at just being human and being open and struggling. And that's what this episode is.

[00:08:46] It's me saying? Yeah, this is, this is an issue. And I don't know, I don't know the answer, but I'm going to talk a little bit more about some of the things that have come up for me the past couple of weeks. First of all I want to talk about the retreat that I just held. The, just be your bad self retreat. It was,

[00:09:09] it was so beautiful. We had some amazing, amazing women show up. Both as guests and as the clinicians and the connections we made were mindblowing. And the biggest thing that I came away from in that retreat was this feeling of being held, which, which surprised me because I'm the one that was hosting.

[00:09:35] I didn't feel like it was my place to feel like I was the one being held, but it was so nice to show up to this area. To this space, where had I had someone there, Natasha was there in charge of the food, and she did such a beautiful job and took care of everybody that way. And Beck came and held space for everybody, with her, her drama therapy and group therapy workshops.

[00:10:01] Jen came and led yoga and meditation, and we had a massage therapist. We had all these different people holding space. Within this space and, and then the women that came, held space for each other. And it was so nice for me to feel like I, I didn't have to stress. That everything was taken care of the way it needed to be taken care of.

[00:10:27] And I just felt very held. I just felt like I could go to bed and not have to worry that I had to do all these things to manage and oversee the retreat because everything was being taken care of. And I talked to my life coach after getting back from that and I told her how stressful it was to come back from this amazing experience with these.

[00:10:46] Just awesome women and to feel so held and then to come back and feel like all the pressures of everyday life and mothering and keeping house and making dinner and all of that. And we're pulling at me again. And

[00:11:03] should we talked about this idea of how, how do we bring that feeling of being held into our everyday lives? And she. Came up with the most beautiful imagery of a vessel verse. She said, I feel like you need to

[00:11:19] I feel like you need to get really clear on your boundaries or your edges. Where do you end? Where does Kimber and, and where to someone else begin. And we talk about this image of a vessel in that you can't hold something that doesn't have boundaries, water doesn't really have boundaries. And you can't hold it, it's really hard to hold water in your hand.

[00:11:43] And it kind of spills everywhere. But if you have some kind of vessel or cup or bowl, you can hold that in your hand because of its boundaries. And in addition to that without boundaries, you also can't hold it anything. Right? So again, thinking of that vessel or cup, it both can be held and it holds, and so I think boundaries need to be a really important part of this conversation of burnout.

[00:12:12] ' cause I think as caretakers, a lot of times we don't have them. We're not really taught to have them. We're just kind of, whether it's expectations of others or expectations of ourselves, we want to be able to give everything to everyone and it's not possible.

[00:12:30] Before I move on. I want to read a few more of these comments on Instagram. I just think they're so poignant and, and relevant. You see here.

[00:12:41] Someone says I get it. I lived it for 38 years. I needed help for all of it and only had extremely limited amounts of self care, whatever that is. And what I've learned is that the guilt you feel now is the guilt you carry for the rest of your life. At least that's how my life is. The guilt I carry is staggering and unimaginable weight.

[00:13:02] I don't know how I could have changed something along the way.

[00:13:04] Another one, I'm feeling this so deep in my bones lately. So with you, I'm so tired of it all and trying to figure things out and make decisions and ask for this and tell so-and-so that and make arrangements for this thing and try to plan for that thing, just feeling over it. I'm also finding that

[00:13:23] all my usual go-to self care stuff. Isn't making me feel any different. It's like my brain has figured out what I'm trying to do to feel better. And it's like, Nope, not happening, sister. So yeah, feeling pretty stuck. Another one

[00:13:36] I'm with you 100%. Thank you for sharing that and being vulnerable. You're inspiring me to go deeper and find my own answers within

[00:13:45] I love this one. I have a 16 year old daughter who's picked up a couple of jobs on is babysitting three kids for $15 an hour. The others doing mindless tasks, sealing and stamping envelopes for a real estate agent, a sheep. It seems fundamentally wrong that I can be paid the same amount for putting stickers on a piece of paper.

[00:14:05] As I am for keeping three humans alive and protecting their emotional wellbeing while also keeping them entertained. And then that executive assistant and real estate looks more impressive on my college application than babysitter. I mean, mom, something's got to give all to say that the cultural expectation coupled with the degradation is just wearing on top of the very real, very hard work of parenting.

[00:14:29] And as I go through these, this is parenting. This is, this is caregiving. It's not. Exclusive to women. It's not exclusive to mothers. I think it's pretty a pretty universal feeling with mothers in particular. And that's my experience. So that's why I'm speaking to that right now. But I think these thoughts, these feelings are definitely not exclusive of other groups of people.

[00:14:56] Someone else said. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. I'm in the throws of it too. My friend. So know at the very least you are not alone. I've spent the last three days oscillating between rage and grief, having full blown panic attacks, then crying buckets of tears, then escaping. It gets to be too much. The shit is real and the feelings are valid.

[00:15:20] I don't have the answers, but I do know opening up about it, talking about it, allowing it into the light, normalizing. It seems like the logical first step. So until we find more concrete solutions know that you are not alone, others are feeling it too. It is absolute bullshit. And I think a lot of us have had E fucking.

[00:15:40] Which makes me feel hopeful that we're reaching a tipping point, which will result in actual change like you and I have both said, by the way, I need to say this is feather and moon sanctuary. This is my friend Nicole Maselli, who I've had on the podcast before. And we did a beautiful episode on rest and, and recharging and sanctuary.

[00:16:00] And she is a big part of the reason I shared this post in the first place, because she does such a beautiful job of. Being vulnerable and open about her pain and her struggles. And I find it so comforting. And so a lot of what she said gave me the courage to post this in the first place. So that's, who's talking right now.

[00:16:17] She says we're reaching a tipping point, which will result in actual change like you and I have both said we don't need more. Self-care more massages. And Manny Pettys and days off, we don't need, want, or feel satisfied with band-aids anymore. We demand large scale change. Paradigm shifts are remedy to the actual cause we need the framework to be restructured, not new ways to make it barely tolerable.

[00:16:43] I love that comment so much because she really hears what I'm saying and what I think so many women are feeling is

[00:16:53] sometimes. Systemic needs to change something big, something in the framework, level, something on the cause level, because these band-aids are helpful, but they're not. They're not enough. They're not enough. That being said, those of you listening, I do want to talk about these band-aids these band-aids for burnout, because as far as I know right now, that's what we have to work with and, and they do help.

[00:17:23] They do help. They help you survive. I would love to live in a day and age where we can do more than that. As a whole, as a, as a population, as, as women that we can do more than just survive, but sometimes survivals all you can do. So some of the band-aids that I have found to be the most effective and helpful are on the top level list.

[00:17:46] Mindfulness, the more you can really sink into your body and experience what's going on in the present moment, the better. Meditation on a regular basis. Super helpful. I just recently, like the day I wrote that burnout post I, I downloaded the Luma app, which is a fun, little kind of art therapy app where you color in.

[00:18:15] It's pretty, you should just look it up, but they have mindful stories as you're coloring in these really beautiful. Pictures, and it just kind of helps to chill out your nervous system and brain a little bit. I know as caretakers and as people in general, you have so many things we're worried about all the time, things that have happened in the past, things that we're worried about in the future.

[00:18:39] We've, we've gotten ourselves to be so, so busy. And in this mode of, we have to fix things that it's really hard to feel like we even should have the freedom to be mindful of. But it's really important to take some time to do that. Along with that, getting off technology at getting away from social media, I highly recommend the book digital minimalism.

[00:19:04] It talks about the importance of solitude, which is something that we really do not get hardly ever in this day and age, because we always have our, our earbuds in listening to music or podcasts or. On social media, taking care of things, socializing, sending emails, texts, phone calls. We were connected.

[00:19:24] Hyper-connected all the time. And solitude is different from just being by yourself. It's disconnecting from everything and turning inward. So this book, digital minimalist. Puts up a really good case for getting away from technology a little more. That's something that, especially for me, I have found is a total game changer.

[00:19:46] I am not afraid to admit that I have a phone addiction. I think many of us do. And a lot of us just don't want to admit that we've become very, very dependent on technology and smartphones. And I know, especially for me, when I left my teaching job and now I'm at home. It's just a really nice, it feels like a break.

[00:20:08] I don't think it is. I think it's sometimes more stressful, but it feels like a quick break that I can do in between tasks. And I think I've got a bit of an addiction to my phone, social media. I've tried a lot of things to limit my phone use. And I'm here to tell you. The only app that I think really works for me is called the freedom app.

[00:20:32] If you're one that's looking to maybe limit your social media use or phone use more, but you, you don't want to totally throw your phone in the garbage which I have considered doing before. Freedom app is awesome because it will lock you out of your apps and you cannot get back into them unless you delete the app.

[00:20:50] And if you pay for the app, I don't think you can even delete the app. I think you have to call somebody to get you back into your social media things. If you want to get in during the time you, you choose the times that you want to be locked out and how long your sessions last. But I found that that's effective for me.

[00:21:07] I've tried other time management apps and usually it's just way too easy for me to. Click just two more minutes or turn off the app or whatever, and have a problem. So this one's nice. It really it's nice. I try to go into like Instagram say when, during one of my locked out sessions and it won't let me in and it will just say, oh, you're, this is blocked off.

[00:21:31] Go do great things. And it actually makes me happy to see that message like, oh yeah, I don't have to feel tied to this. I can go do something else I can go read. I can go get something. So anyways, yes, digital minimalism taking breaks from social media, having, having solitude time dedicated to solitude which I think also includes not reading.

[00:21:51] Right. Just being by yourself. Connecting with nature. Maybe, maybe writing, reflecting something along those lines, but not we live in this day of information is coming at us at all times. And I think it's important to disconnect from that. I, I read a meme. Speaking of Instagram, I saw something that said burnout is.

[00:22:17] So much a result of doing too much as it is a result of doing too little of the things that make you feel alive. And I think there's a lot of truth in that. I think, I think we do too much of things we don't care about and too little of things that really fill us up and make us feel alive. And I think it's important that we make time for that.

[00:22:38] I want to read another comment that I don't think I got to on here. Alright. My doctor diagnosed me years ago with adrenal fatigue, which she explained means our bodies handle stress using our adrenal clans. If we keep taking from our adrenal bucket and never refill it, then our bodies start reacting to stress in a physical way. For me, it was insomnia and depression. She said it was very frustrating because in the medical community, this is not always considered a real diagnosis and was shrugged off by a lot of doctors.

[00:23:08] She said it was important for me to find something that I love to doing that was just mine, that I didn't make time for anymore and try and work it into my day every day, little by little, that was one way to fill my bucket for me, that was reading. So she prescribed me to read for 15 minutes every day.

[00:23:25] Sounds funny, but it helped a lot. I'm so grateful to that doctor. But I still struggle with trying to fill my bucket. Bless you for this post helps all of us stressed out moms feel not so alone. I wish we all had doctors that would prescribe us to go do something that filled us up. Take this podcast as your prescription permission, slip, spend 15 minutes, half an hour, an hour or two hours. Take a week off, go do something that fills you up. That's so important. All right, next bandaid. Let's see what I got here. Exercise. I am. I'm going to air an episode soon where I talked to a local fitness instructor about this,

[00:24:07] and it's a good, it's a fun episode about exercise and community. And I think it's no joke getting out, moving your body really helps you release those endorphins. And it's a mood booster like I've said before. None of these are. Solutions to the problem, but they all can help. They all can help. An exercise is so good.

[00:24:28] I noticed such a big difference on the days when I move my body, the ways I don't move my body. And do it find something that you find fun don't do don't guilt yourself into exercising? In my humble opinion, I don't think that you should do it just to lose weight or. For body image goals. Cause that's not what I'm into.

[00:24:52] I think you should do something that makes you feel happy. Zumba. I love Pilates. I love Barre. I love yoga. I'm not someone that's going to go in probably and do a super-intense bootcamp work. I've done that in the past and it's been fine, but I. I'm more consistent if I'm doing something I enjoy. And so that's what I recommend.

[00:25:15] Find some way to move your body that you enjoy, whether it's working out to a yoga video in your front room or going to a fitness center where they've got fun classes or going on a hike, or going on a walk with someone and talking to someone on the phone, going on a bike ride, there's so many ways to move your body.

[00:25:31] That's another thing that's super helpful. Life coaching and therapy. Huge. I am a huge proponent of therapy. And I think this is the first podcast that I mentioned. I just started doing it myself. I've been preaching it and saying, oh, therapy's awesome. And I finally decided, you know, I should practice what I preach and get a therapist and I'm only two or three weeks in and I've already found it so helpful, even just the journaling part of it has been so helpful to process my emotions, my feelings, to not feel like I'm crazy and to get some good strategies to move forward.

[00:26:07] And I think life a life coach can be really helpful in that way, too. If you're struggling with intense depression or suicidal ideation or. Major anxiety. I think a therapist is probably the way to go. If you just need some life direction and help, there are some amazing life coaches out there.

[00:26:27] Reach out to me. I'm happy to give you some names. If that's something you, you might be interested in community, it was the next big bandaid. And that's one that I feel like.

[00:26:39] Is almost the solution. If there is a solution on this list of bandaids, I think this is the one community and there are a lot of ways to find community. And I think that especially these past few years with COVID and home how much we're on our phones and for me personally Leaving the community of my religion that I grew up in those of you that are listening that are parents, parent parenthood.

[00:27:07] Parenthood's interesting because you both find a community when you become a parent and you also lose community. It can be very isolating to be a pair, especially a stay at home parent. And and it's important to go find community. And I'm talking about physical community. There are some, I found some amazing community online.

[00:27:26] And I think that has its place and can be very helpful. And I'm very grateful for my friends and and family that I'm able to stay in touch with online, but there's something about sharing a physical space with people, doing something together that I think is more healing and more needed than the community we find online.

[00:27:48] Having fun, laughing that those are things that are helpful, whether you're doing it in a community setting or on your own find ways to have fun, find ways to laugh. Next one, this is just, I'm not pulling this as off of any official list. This is my Kimber's list of band-aids for burnout that have helped her.

[00:28:09] So I'm just going through what I've brainstormed myself. The next one I've got on my list is listening to yourself. I, once again, we live in this day and age of constant. A constant bombardment of information and data and opinions. And it's so overwhelming. . It can be so guilt inducing or shame inducing, and just absolutely just stressful.

[00:28:37] There's too much information. You can find information to support whatever argument. And if you were like me and you like to find the one right way of doing things it's like a panic attack waiting to happen. And I think it's a really important skill to learn, to get quiet. And to listen to yourself. I, once again, on social media, which can be such a helpful tool, I just saw someone posted a reel that said, we are leaving this age of information and we're entering into an age of embodiment when it's time to tune into your body to tune into your own inner knowing.

[00:29:13] And for me, that's been another huge help instead of trying to process all this information and distill it into one, right answer. I don't think that's. Possible. I think there are too many good ways of doing things and too many ways you can mess things up for there to be one right answer.

[00:29:35] Suffice it to say

[00:29:37] our bodies know thing. And we know things and we can put a little more faith in ourselves and our own choices and make decisions that are right for us, even if they're not right by everybody else's standards. All right. We're down to the last two things on the list. I've got boundaries and communication.

[00:29:59] Those are one. I feel like those are so tied together because you can't set a boundary without communicating that boundary to people. You need to let people see you. You need to let people know your needs. Let people know when you need help. This is a really hard one. This is a really hard one because it's so vulnerable.

[00:30:24] This it's so not what our ego wants us to do, but it's how we receive love. When people, we let people see us in our insecurities and our weaknesses and our shortcomings, that is the only way we can be held. And, and, you know, we don't even need to necessarily see them as weaknesses. Boundaries can also be strange.

[00:30:47] And standing up for ourselves and saying, no, I don't have the energy for that. And realize every time you, you say no to something. You're saying yes to something else and also realize the opposite of that. Every time you say yes to something you're saying no to something else. And oftentimes what you're saying no to is yourself your own sanity, your own energy.

[00:31:10] And so there's always a, there's always a cost benefit that we need to be thinking of. And, and boundaries are so, so important. That's kind of my. Life's work right now. I feel like it's figuring out where my boundaries are and how to communicate them in a loving way. And then the last thing on my list is let go of the things that don't matter to you, this kind of ties into that.

[00:31:36] Listen to yourself idea. But sometimes I think we get it in our heads that they, that we have to do all of the things because everyone says we have to do all of the things. Maybe it doesn't really matter to you that you're you have dishes in the sink or that your house isn't vacuumed every day or.

[00:31:58] Oh, my goodness, my daughter, I should have written this down my six year old, the other day said, mom, I want to clean the baseboards. Cause that's a, that's a job I sometimes have her do. Cause it's one she can do. And she said, mama want to clean the baseboards so that when people come to our house, they'll look and be like, wow, you have really clean baseboards.

[00:32:21] And. It made me laugh and feel a little embarrassed that probably a, not a lot of people come to my house period B no one is going to come to your house and tell you, wow, you have really clean. The nice sweet six-year-old that just made me laugh. And, and it, it really pointed out to me like, oh, maybe I'm worrying about somethings that don't need to be worried about.

[00:32:52] Maybe I'm expending energy on some things that really don't matter to me. I'm getting good. I'm getting better at letting some things go. I'm not one that cares a lot about makeup. I've given my self permission to not have to care about. Unless I feel like it I've I don't care a lot about jewelry.

[00:33:13] I don't, I don't really care a lot about a lot of things that have to do with my appearance. You know, I like to be, I like to be well-groomed and take care of my skin and dress dress comfortably in a way that I don't feel embarrassed, but my standard for that might be lower than some people's and I'm okay with that.

[00:33:36] Maybe you're not one that wants to keep plants alive in your house. That's too much energy for you. Don't buy, don't buy plants that you have to keep alive. Maybe you don't have the energy or really care if your kids are in all of the extracurricular activities. If they're in dance and piano lessons and sports and all of the things you can let that go.

[00:33:59] In fact, in fact, If you listen to my last episode with Julie Bogart, it's better to follow their passions and interests. Anyway, a lot of times I have, I consider myself minimal Lish. I still have a ton of clutter in my house, but I really enjoy letting things go because I find them more. I can let both mental clutter schedule clutter physical clutter.

[00:34:24] Go. The better I feel. So maybe call through things in your schedule, in your, in your house. If it's not something that matters to you, you're not obligated to keep it. I think Marie Kondo's book on this is, is beautiful and can be applied more to more than just physical clutter. Keep the things in your life.

[00:34:45] That spark joy. And let go of the things that don't. And once again, I'm not the expert at this, I'm the human in this. I don't always follow this, but, but I do know that these things that I've listed off are, are helpful. I'm gonna close with one more comment and then maybe some more thoughts on a poem, but this.

[00:35:08] This comment, I think is starting to touch on more than just a band-aid on a solution. And I want to share it with you. So this comment says I've learned recently about the phenomenon called the weaponizing of self care. I definitely experienced this in the workplace. The system I was in was not structured to sustain people in a supportive.

[00:35:35] It was designed to extract everything I could give until I was depleted and then move on to the next person to deplete them. The essence of capitalism, I was having a very normal burnout reaction to a very dysfunctional system, the healthcare system, but I was told I needed to do more self care. I apparently was struggling because I just needed to do more for me, but I was one of the most self-aware and intentional self carers on my team.

[00:36:04] And let's not forget about the many people quitting and or those I saw drinking and shopping more than usual. It felt like a very gaslighting situation. Oh no, it's not us. It's you, if you just ex you wouldn't be struggling. But outside that system, I didn't have the burnout symptoms. It wasn't me. It was them.

[00:36:23] I think the same can be said in our greater culture, including how feminine work is regarded as basically worthless. I have to fight this nagging. Internalized notion that my real job is to earn money, clean, cook, manage all bills and upkeep, remodel my house, et cetera, , and keeping a kid alive is ancillary.

[00:36:42] However, being an intentional and mentally present parent is really important to me, but doesn't account for much in our society and it takes extra emotional work to be a cycle. I have to learn a whole new set of skills on the job while my own boons are being prodded because parenting what we need here, it is what we need is community care, not self care.

[00:37:06] We are designed to be in small groups where work is shared and we feel connected and sustained in a community. Our society is so individualistic. We don't know how to have intimate community care. Our more ancient ancestors would have been. I remind myself when I feel overwhelmed at everything I'm responsible for that.

[00:37:26] I'm just one person I am meant to be in community and not alone. It helps me have grace for my own struggle and grief. When it arises, grace is the most important self-care I can give, but other than that, fuck self-care, I'm meant to have a community.

[00:37:44] I don't really have a lot to add to that comment. I think it was so beautiful express and, and have some really amazing points. We need to have community, and I don't know how that solution is going to come about, but I think it needs to, and I'm committed to.

[00:38:09] Keep working toward that solution. Somehow I think that's one of the things I'm trying to do with this podcast is build, build a community of people who feel like they can be seen as they are and loved as they are and supported as they are. That's what I'm trying to do with my retreats and, and the other things that I do Because I think she's right.

[00:38:33] I think community is so important. And with that, I'm going to close with another poem from Hannah row rights. So we started with one of her poems. I'm going to end with one and it's called same. I still haven't figured out how to keep my shower floor clean or make morning smoothies or respond to stress combat.

[00:38:53] Same, same, same. My friends. Tell me a love, note of sorts. Maybe the world doesn't need us to cut down on carbs or make more money or waste less time. Maybe instead it needs us to reach those who feel alone in their messy homes or difficult relationships or unresolved issues

[00:39:15] to impress less and connect. To share one simple message. Same, same, same, same.

[00:39:26] And that's what I hope this podcast provides for people you're not alone. We are all human. We are all human. I even, I love following Glennon, Doyle and Abby Wamback and their podcasts. We can do hard things. I just saw Glenn and posted a reel of Abby saying something like, I just feel like I do not have my life figured out and I need help.

[00:39:49] And these are people that, so many of them. Really, really look up to and they don't, they are human, they don't have their lives figured out. They struggle with depression and sad emotions and, and burnout and all of the things. And I think we all do. And there's so much pressure to pretend that we have it all together, that we are the expert that we can teach other people how to be perfect, how to figure it out.

[00:40:16] And, and while I think. There are ways we can grow and become more. I don't know better is not the word I wanna use here. Just grow, grow, grow differently, maybe grow more loving or grow more aware or grow, grow in all kinds of different ways. I also think there's no fixing the human condition.

[00:40:42] We're human. All these emotions are just part of, part of being human, but if we can reach out and connect and let ourselves be seen, I think maybe we won't feel so alone. And I think that's important.

[00:41:00] Thanks for joining me today. If you are looking for a community that you feel like you can be seen and supported in hop on Facebook and join the, just be your best self community page. Got some really amazing, authentic, beautiful people in there.

[00:41:18] It's a great place to connect and feel seen and supported. . You can also follow me on Instagram at just B or bats. Your invitation this week,

[00:41:29] just give yourself a hug. Give yourself some grace. Feel free to take a break. You'll notice I did not air. Well, maybe you won't notice. You probably won't notice, but I noticed I did not air this podcast episode Monday morning at 6:00 AM. I you, I usually try to have my episodes edited and ready to go and publish on their own at 6:00 AM on Monday mornings.

[00:41:56] And I wasn't there this week. I didn't record this episode until late Monday, and I don't know when this will be published and it's okay. The world is going to keep spinning without my podcast episodes getting published at 6:00 AM on Monday mornings. Find a way to give yourself. Some grace a break and do something that lights you up, connects you with someone else makes you feel alive.

[00:42:24] If you enjoyed this podcast and want to leave a review, subscribe to the podcast or share it, that really does mean the world to me. And you have my heart. Remember you are enough right now in this moment. That's it for me? No, just be your bad self.