Human Design As A Permission Slip To Love Yourself | Episode 45

[00:00:00]

Today my guest is Melanie Hill. She is a human design life coach. Is that how you'd classify yourself?

I usually call myself, I change it all the time cause I'm imagined, you know, and I have to. But right now I am calling myself a human design coach for life and business.

Okay. And she is also my coach right now, and I've been following her for, oh, I guess about a year now. And we've just become friends and she gives the best advice and she's one of my favorite people, and I'm really excited that you all get to learn from her today. So, Melanie, go ahead and give me whatever intro you want, whatever you wanna say about yourself.

It's your turn.

I'm a 3/5 man-gen, sacral Authority. And for anybody that knows human design a little bit. That'll tell you a little bit about me. I move fast. I'm multifaceted, multi-passionate, and I love, love, love helping other people become more obsessed with themselves and love themselves more deeply and just accept all those little things that they're always trying to fix about themselves.

And I use human design as the main tool to help them do that. Cuz I really see human design as like this beautiful bridge for our brain to create a language around what we've always been feeling in our body. So our brain can just kinda calm down a little bit and we can love ourselves more and when we love ourselves more, we have more self-confidence and we can actually show up and do the work we really wanna do in the world.

So that's what I do. That's why I'm super excited about it and it like never gets old to me, which is really amazing.

Well, it's so complex. There's so many new things to always be learning and figuring out.

Yes, it's a perfect thing for a manifesting generator to. Love. Yeah.

Tell. So I don't actually think I've ever really talked about human design on my podcast before. I have mentioned it on Instagram a few times. For those of you that follow on Instagram, I've been low-key, obsessed with it for probably about this a little bit longer than I've known you, Melanie. So I'm still kind of new to the human design world, but I'm guessing a lot of my listeners have never even heard of it before.

So can you give us like a bird's eye view of what it is?

Awesome. Yes, absolutely. So human design is like a combination of synergy of so many different kind of systems out there that already exist in the world. Like the Hindu chakra system the like astrology, right? It takes a lot of astrology. It takes the eing quantum science. It's got all kinds of things right?

Lots of spiritual things, lots of energetic things, and even science is, is put into this. And so basically what you get, you enter your birth information, you get this body graph, and instead of seven chakras, there's nine, nine centers. And it really shows you what your energy is, what your energy output looks like, how you're really here to interact with the world on an energetic level.

And it can really show you where you struggle and the specific like why and context behind maybe exactly why you always blow up in that certain situation with your partner or work thing, right? And maybe why you've been hustling so hard and you're really just super tired and really, really wish that you could just, you know, hiate in the mountains for like.

10 years and never speak to another soul. It just really helps you see yourself in a way that just gives you a lot of permission. And I, there's a lot of systems out there like that. I know the Enneagram, right? It's kind of like a person, I used to say this all the time, it's kinda like a personality test.

Meet your therapist and like the best personality test meet your therapist and had a baby. And it just really helps you understand yourself with so much love. And it really, I use it as a tool to give yourself permission to just own the things you've always known in your body. But your brain may be really fought you on because conditioning and really trying to live out somebody else's value system instead of your own.

Yeah. The wild thing to me about human [00:05:00] design is like, I think astrology is fun. I'm not someone. I don't know. I, I will admit, since discovering human design, I've gotten a little more also into astrology. But normally it's kind of been like, ah, that's just woowoo, whatever. Like, it's just a happy coincidence if that happens to line up with who you are.

But when I discovered human design, it really did feel more like a personality test meets your therapist. And the wild thing about that is you didn't, I didn't take a test to get my type. It, it's totally based on your birth time. And it, it was mind blowing to me how seen I felt by it. And so for me I'm not especially, and a lot of my listeners have come out of.

High demand religions and so we're hypers skeptical about things that are like, this is the one true way. But for me, this permission piece that you talk about, it was like, here's this thing that's saying, this way that I have always known that I am

is the way that I'm, I was designed to be and whether or not it's the one true way or whatever.

It really is a system that I've found to be very validating and helpful on my growth path. And I think a lot of people have discovered that in human design.

Totally. And you know, the way that I really use it and teach it is definitely not the one way at all, and the kind of coach I am too. I'm like, I'm not even the one way, like I am not an expert here. You are actually your own expert. There's nothing I could ever say or give you that could ever be more powerful or better for you than what you.

Decide for you and what you know in your own heart. I think human design and looking at your body graph and learning it and diving into it is really an intuitive journey for you, the person, right. Consuming that information. That's why I used to call myself a guide and not a coach, cuz I'm like, I'm really just your guide.

I'd really just want to guide you to your own answers and to your own authority inside of you. And that's the coaching container I've always wanted to be in. And I always found myself in these other containers that were really trying to sell me on their values. Right. And I kept buying into it too, thinking that's what I needed was somebody else's authority.

But through human design too, I was really afraid of it in a lot of ways too because of religion and, you know, just all kinds of things. I'm a natural rebel. I think I wanna push against anything that's trying to tell me what I am. For lots of reasons. But it just felt it, like for you, it felt like.

Permission. It actually felt like permission to own all the things that I really wanted to own. And it also didn't feel like it put me in a box at all. You know, I've definitely pushed against different aspects of it, but it's really, I mean, for what I've found, really, for me, especially when I'm pushing against something, my design is trying to show me, it's because it's a shadow.

I need to like learn to love more and, and integrate that part. But too, like, the way that I really like to express human design is you can just take the parts that give you permission and walk with those. You do not have to take on anything that doesn't feel good. Sound good? There's so many different teachers out there that teach this, you know, raw, raw, hoo.

He was the originator who first kind of downloaded this information and his words were very negative, like in the terms of like you know, the not self and The, even the profile lines, it just all kind of has this negative connotation to it. And I think the way that I usually talk about it is I think at that time our brains really needed a lot of negative words to get our attention, but nowadays we're really looking for more of the positive, right?

I love Karen Curry Parker. Her language around human design is so positive and uplifting, and so I, you know, I really bring lots of different, I think, aspects and, but the best thing you can do is just learn in the way that works for you and put the words to it that really help empower you.

And that's the other thing that just really resonates with me with human design is especially coming out of a high demand religion, that's all about externalizing your authority. And these people get revelation for your life, and they're the ones that get to say what's right and what's wrong. Human design, and you, especially Melanie, have taught me this, it's all about turning inward and trusting yourself and not externalizing that authority.

And so I only recently started working with Melanie. I've wanted to for a really long time. A lot of people in the industry ask you to externalize. You know, they're the expert, you're supposed to adopt their values. And I [00:10:00] have fallen for that a few times of being like, this person knows the way I'm gonna follow them.

They're gonna tell me what to do. I'm gonna adopt their values and everything's gonna work out for me. And every time it doesn't work because it's someone else's thing that I'm trying to do. And someone else saying, oh no, you don't know the way, I know the way, follow me. And it always shocks me every time I've reached out to Melanie, it's always like, I think you can trust that.

Like what are, what is your body telling you? What are you feeling? And it's all about turning inward and strengthening my own trust in myself rather than having to put all of my faith in somebody else's idea of what my life should be and how I should. Operate, and it's such a, it's such a paradigm shift, I would say, for most people because we're culturalized to externalize our authority.

Totally. And I, you know, it's really scary, I think, to learn to trust your own authority. Right. We had an extensive like Instagram relationship, I would say. Right? Like just a lot of going back and forth. And I, I, I love talking to people when they're actually, when they have genuine questions, right? And really want to get to know themselves and Yeah.

I, I really do believe, and this, this has probably been one of my growth edges, honestly, is to really claim that I don't know what's best for you, right? And, and yes, we're sold into other people's value systems and I really think that we are also taught that we have to sell other people on our value systems to make money.

We really have to sell them on that. We're the expert that we know best, and, and that's how we build trust with them. So they buy from, Right. And it's, it's never set well with me, ever. And I I, most of my clients too, they're like, that just feels so icky and I don't wanna do that. And I'm like, yeah, it's because you actually, you wanna lead with your heart and your soul.

You want a soul led business, and it's a legitimate way to do business. Like owning that for myself was like revolutionary. It was so self-affirming and it was also so terrifying. I, you know, like my whole consult process changed it. I was leaning back instead of forward, you know, it was so interesting. What, what all shifted and the right people started coming to me.

My clients were just starting to become my dream clients. Oh my gosh. It was so much fun to be with them and help them and spend time with them and get to know them. And I was like, yes, this is the business I've always wanted and. That means everything to me, right? Like being satisfied in your business now and not continue to hold onto that promise that one day you'll get happy, one day you'll finally get to this place where you can rest or relax or, you know, I talk about this often.

I had a, a business coach I signed up with in the very beginning of my business, and she was so great at what she did and she actually, I mean, she helped me a lot. I made a lot of money. And it was also just so, so hard because I really just had to become something I didn't wanna be, I was always selling from a place that wasn't, wasn't my heart.

And my business was just so hard to be in. And we really, you know, at least my clients that come to me and people I think that are leaning into this kind of stuff, they really, really, at the end of the day, Wanna be successful in the world, and they really just wanna own their own values and still be successful in the world.

And that, I think, sometimes seems like it isn't possible,

Yeah, I do know. I do know because we we're taught from the, and, and this is actually a good segue into what I wanted to talk about with you today because this, this podcast is all based on this idea of be your Bad Self, because we are taught that our good self is the one that is. Obeying someone else's value system.

We're taught that that's the good thing to do, to obey our parents, to meet their expectations. Our teachers, you know, anybody in these places of authority to be a good person. We are taught to strive to meet their expectations and fit into their value system. And so being your bad self is really about owning your own values and who you are regardless of whether or not that fits in the system.

And so I wanna really [00:15:00] dive into how human design helps us do that.

Yeah, so I really see this as owning your inherent value. And I talk about this a lot in my marketing in that you really just like to actually be of more service to the world and make more money and like build your business. Cuz I'm just very business focused with my people. Although this is just so good for every aspect of your life.

Like owning your own inherent value, which is really just what you said, being your bad self, owning your own value system instead of somebody else's and believing that you are inherently good. I really think that is the biggest growth I see in my people. If you can know that every single part of you is inherently good and you can own your own inherent value, that's when you can opt out to all those other things.

That's when you can actually start to share your message from a powerful place, which is what gets you what you want in your life, whether that's a relationship or the promotion or the job, right? I mean, all the external things, but also the internal things. And that's really hard to do when you, you, what you just said, right?

Like from such a young age, you're taught no, this is how you're good, which really just tells you even if you're not explicitly ever told who you are, is bad. You have to change to be good. It's still telling you who you are is bad. You have to be this to be considered good, right? Like, you have to be this to even get into heaven.

Right. Or you face eternal hell. It's, it's very very scary. You know? And that was the first thing that kept, kept me from human design period, was just this thought, everyone's gonna think I'm evil.

Hmm.

And it sounds so funny to say out loud. Now it sounds silly to me, but it was like so terrifying.

What's your background? Do, do you come from a, a religious background?

I do. Yeah.

Because I'm like my all, I feel like most of my listeners will be like, oh no, we know exactly what you're talking about.

Yes. Yes. I was so afraid of like, and I even had like at one point my dad was asking if I was a witch. You know, lot, lots of different things. And it's so interesting to see what my like responses were. Cuz I was, I really wanted to get really defensive and then later on I'm like, who cares? Of course I'm a witch, right?

Yeah. I'm like, own it.

right. Like, I'm everything. And yet it was so terrifying for him to even have that question right of me. It was like, oh my God, it's all coming true. Right? But yes, I do have a religious background. My family wasn't necessarily religious.

Think too, like I used to have this idea even before human design entered my life, that like, I, I had this fear, like, like I know being burned at the stake is talked about sometimes, but it really was that, that like level of fear that like, I was literally going to be killed somehow. And it, it took some time for me to kind of like undo that and see what it was.

Right. And it's definitely been a journey. I didn't just go from that to where I am now. You know, it, it took time. But yeah, just those little bitty things that you start to do to like own, own, even those little parts that maybe seem selfish, like guilt. Guilt and shame, I think are the, the main two that keep us very unconsciously in other people's authority.

Especially relationships with family, I would say. Right. Like my, one of my mentors before he called something the guilt glue that keeps families together.

Oh my gosh. Yes.

Like, but we're family. Right? That's the guilt glue. And guilt is a glue. It can be definitely a glue that keeps you stuck to other people's values.

And it really just took this, this opening up and this relationship forming with my guilt and with my shame that was actually, you know, loving on those things and learning from them. And you know, that selfish part of me learning that it was actually good. It was really a good part of me, and that all parts can actually be really good.

So as we, you talk about this, this idea that we all have parts of ourselves that we learn aren't lovable, but they really are. And you and I met last week and talked a little bit about, about that and about that need to let your shadows come up and give them a little kiss and just to hold them and embrace them.

And[00:20:00] so I've been doing that this week and it is hard emotionally, physically, energetically, like all the ways it is just, it feels like a full-time job to me right now,

oh, yeah.

this healing. I also just started therapy. I feel like I have so much support right now, which is good because this really does feel like.

My job right now, I'm like, this is what I need to be doing is, is healing this, this shadow self. And I had therapy just yesterday and I can't even remember what, oh, we were talking about attachment styles

Mm-hmm.

and how I have, I test that I have avoidant attachment style. But as I was filling it out, I kept telling her, I'm like, I feel like I could answer this test two different ways.

So she had me do both ways. So one way I answer, I have secure attachment style and one way I answer, I have avoidant attachment style. And I said something to her like, you know, I think what it is, I think what this is, is that I was raised to ha to know what a secure attachment style. Looked like and to know what an emotionally mature person looked like.

And so I can mask that way because I know that's what I'm suppo, that's like the way my emotions are supposed to work or whatever. But then there's this other part of me that's really scared of attaching to people that doesn't like being vulnerable with people and that I keep to myself. And she said, I can sense like some tears coming up for you, which is one thing that I also mask, right?

I do not like to cry at all ever in front of anybody. But when she said that, like, and I'm so glad I just barely read somewhere that tears are like, they're a sign of integration. Like that's the path to integrating your

They're literally cleansing.

They literally, they, they produce hormones. They move energy through your body. And it's, it is a processing. That's why, because they, they hold energy and when you release them, you get to release the energy. But I understand the hard feeling around it. You can practice it though, and it gets way easier.

It, it, it really helped for me to have it be like, feel like a productive thing to do, you know, to now have the label that like, is like, oh, this is actually going to help me move faster if I can let these feelings come up. If I can let the tears come out, like

That's so funny to me that you wanted it to be productive.

how my brain works.

But I also think like that's that's a good thing, right. To, to clinging to in the beginning is the, the idea that these tools can move you forward and be productive. Right. Because we are still very attached to that being the mode of transportation.

And that's perfectly fine. That's ac actually why I love human design as a tool, because it's really attractive to the people that are still so, Ingrained in like, but I need a system and I need steps and I need information. Right? And I have to have all this to prove to myself that I can trust myself.

And that's, I mean, absolutely. Why I love it so much cuz I'm like, yes, look, here's the proof. It's all right here. You can just go ahead and trust the exact thing you want to, right? And then we can dive in and get into, you know, the little like, scarier pieces and the actual like, okay, now there's no, like, there's actually no step-by-step guide to trust your spleen, right?

Or to trust your gut or whatever your authority is inside of your human design, right? Like, you have to go in and figure that out, what that feels like, right? I, I have clients to this day. They're like, but you said it feels like this for you, but what is it? What is it supposed to feel like for me? And I'm like, okay, this is where we, we start that process where I can guide you, but I cannot tell you what it's gonna feel like for you.

You're gonna have to be willing to go in, right? Without. Without that exact knowing.

You're right. That is exactly why that is one reason I love human design is cuz it's like a a game plan. Like,

Mm-hmm. In a way.

yeah. Like it helps you, it, it just, it, it gives you a, a map, right? Of like, oh, this is maybe what I need to work toward right now. This is maybe why I'm experiencing this and how I can change so that I can move forward in my, in my healing journey.

Like any tool that anybody has and anybody teaches with, right. It's, it is, it's a, it's something to guide you along a path so you can feel like you're getting somewhere right. And you don't feel super lost for too long.

Yeah.

Cause then you can lose faith and you lose hope and not wanna try so much, [00:25:00] you know?

yeah. And, and it also, going back to this idea of the shadow, like it straight up talks about that in human design, like our, our shadow sides and, and it helps us to integrate them. So. In this session yesterday, she noticed that these tears were coming up. I like let them come out. And she told me to close my eyes and imagine like maybe a younger version of myself or she's like, imagine this part of yourself that you felt like you've had to mask for so long. And she then she said, is it a little girl that you see? And I said, no, it's just this little wispy, emaciated shadow. Like that's what I saw was actually just this shadow. And she's like, what feelings are coming up? And I wanted so badly to be able to say like, I feel compassion. You know, I feel bad for this little shadow, but I felt completely repulsed by it.

I love that you brought that up because I have done this work for so many years and I have had so many people tell me that the first thing they feel for that part of themselves is disgust or something that they really. They really cannot even look at it very, very much. There's no compassion.

Yeah. And, and that's, that's the whole goal, right? Is to kind of have this compassion for that part of yourself. And it can be really scary, I think, to look at those parts of yourself and feel that towards yourself. How, how did that feel for you? I cut you off, but,

Yeah, it was, so I, and I guess I didn't mention this, the, the thing that I was, that she asked me to visualize was this part of me that has needs, which.

Hmm.

It, it almost like intellectually talking about it seems silly that I would be so repulsed by the fact that there's a part of me that needs something like anything. Cuz of course, like we're human, we have needs. But I think from a very young age I was taught that my needs weren't important. That to be lovable, I was to meet the needs of everybody else and to not have needs myself. And so I was taught and, and I'm, the reason I'm sharing this story is because I am confident that this isn't unique to me.

Oh

think so many of us are taught the same thing and probably have very similar shadows that we, we hate the parts of ourselves that have these needs that need to be met. And so we starve. We like this shadow of mine. emaciated,

Mm.

is starved. It wants to like, I know what it wants. I know it wants to come out into the light.

And even knowing that and even wanting so badly to heal that part of me, I am still like just repulsed. Like I don't want to pick it up and hold it.

Mm-hmm.

I want it to go back into the shadows where it can hide. So how does human design help us lean in and embrace these shadow selves that need to be integrated and healed?

My God, I love this question so much because I think that's why so many people, I'm just gonna say this first. I think this is why so many people really don't want to dive into this work, or it stops them right in a way, and that's okay. And to look at that part, people are like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do whatever it takes, but like it's so I can become the thing that I wanna become, and then I'll love.

Mm-hmm.

Right. It's like anything but this. Anything, but looking at that ugly part and having to love that, right? It's like so deeply painful because looking at that part means that you have to like kind of relive the disowning of it. You have to own that. That's happened. You have to own that part of your pain

Yeah.

and like feel it and process it and like have empathy with it and that's so damn triggering.

It's so, I mean, on so many levels. So I just wanna say that like this work is not easy, right? It. It's what I have called the unsexy work. It's, you know, it's definitely a lot less fun and flashy than, you know, the next 10 steps to get to a hundred K. [00:30:00] That seems so much easier right? Than this. Come on. And yet we're all dying, right?

Trying to get to a hundred K and we hate our lives secretly, right? So I say secretly, maybe not so secretly, right? But it's like acceptable. It's like socially acceptable to kind of, you know, always hate your life. So human designer really think helps come in and gives you this bridge. It gives you a bridge to reach out to that part of you that you really don't like.

Maybe you even hate it. Maybe you are completely disgusted with it, right? What was your word you used to, you

Repulsed.

repulsed, right? To me, it's a bridge to meet that because human design can give you literal words and context around why that part of you exists, why that part of you was so normal to show up and be that way.

And it's just, it just throws, it throws compassion on it for you. It throws permission on it. It throws so much understanding and love around why it's there. It helps you see that it's normal. Like everybody actually has this shadow. This is your flavor of it, and this is why it's here. This is actually what its purpose was like.

That's what I love about, I throw the jean keys into human design a lot too. I think the gene keys can really help give us purpose behind these shadows, and as we know, if there's a purpose to something, All of a sudden our brain can be like, oh, well if there's like this purpose, then maybe I can lean in and kind of, you know, get around this.

Yes.

then I guess I can cry.

Right. Exactly it. But we need that bridge. We need it, and it's okay. Right. And that's why the tools exist. There's so many tools out there, right. That's why we, we use I've got this deck of like Oracle cards, right? Like there's, there's so many different things we can use, right? There's the model, there's all these tools that people use to bridge the gap, right?

That we, we have. But that really is the number one thing that I see humans design help with is, oh, I have permission to have this shadow, right? And it's okay. And it kind of dissolves the fear around reaching out to that part because I think too, We learned to be so repulsed and disgusted by those parts because they really were going to sabotage our life.

Right. Which is so sad. Ugh. That made me emotional actually, to say. It's like I think about my kids so much in my work because the work that I do with my clients and they're trying to do with themselves and I'm trying to do with myself, is literally the same work I'm trying to do with my children. Right.

Is like, and of course I'm not gonna be perfect at it. Reparenting yourself while you parent your kids is insane, as you know. Right. As you well know. But you know, it's like if you didn't have that mirror, someone telling you no, that party you is okay. It's good. It's here to tell you something. It's here to serve you.

It, it has a need. It's lovable. Right. We have to get repulsed by it. We have to put it away. We have to deny it, we have to mask it because then we will lose out on a caregiver or stability in some way that we know we need. And so, you know, we're actually doing something good for ourselves. And I think that can help you see, that too, can help you see like, cuz part of you is probably repulsed too, that maybe you did this to yourself,

absolutely.

right?

But honestly, like you didn't do it, you didn't do that to yourself.

I like, I love the layers of compassion

Mm-hmm.

Because there's, there's no shame, there's no shaming. The fact that you ha that this shadow exists both because the shadow isn't shameful and because you, you created the fact that you created this shadow also makes sense. Like there's just

Mm-hmm.

much, this little cushion of compassion around this

Right?

When it comes to these shadow parts. So, so I agree with you that we created these shadows, we suppress these parts of ourselves as a survival

Mm-hmm.

We had to, to get our basic needs met. But I'm finally discovering as an. [00:35:00] Like this is very, very recent discovery for me that really, honestly the path forward is to integrate these shadows. Because when we have, like for me, I'm gonna use my example,

my shadow least. The one currently that I am seeing is that I have needs, especially emotional needs that often go unmet. And I view that part of myself as like ick, like gross. I don't wanna have emotional needs that aren't met.

I wanna be completely independent and not, I do not wanna need people. But as long as I keep that shadow self in the shadows and don't integrate it, I don't get to experience that love and that human connection and. The beauty of someone actually being there to meet my emotional needs.

Mm-hmm.

And as I start integrating that and letting that part of myself be seen, like you, I'm, I'm starting to realize that the, the, you cannot heal the shadow as long as it stays in the dark.

You have to bring it into the light. And I've been, my, my marriage isn't perfect. Like no one's marriage is perfect, but I've started to realize how much of my childhood wounds I've projected onto my husband thinking he's not gonna meet this emotional need. I'm gonna keep it to myself.

Mm-hmm.

And as this shadow self has gotten louder and louder because I have not been listening to it, sometimes, sometimes I let it be seen cuz I can't help it because it's just screaming so loud. And every time that it is met with, Love and compassion and understanding from my husband. I f I feel a little bit shocked but also a little bit healed. And, and I've started to see like, no, these needs are really, they are lovable. They're important because us having needs is the only way that we get to really connect with people.

And being able to receive is as much of a gift as being able to give it. feels weird even saying that, but I think, I think it's true. And I think most of us don't believe that. We, we feel like we have to be givers all of the time. But people that can truly see the other and receive,

Yes.

that's a, that's a huge gift too.

Mm. Totally. It totally is.

Yes. I love that you brought up receiving as, as much a gift as giving. You know, I really think that, like, where do, I won't even wanna start. There's so many good things to say. You know, I think human design can be an amazing tool of compassion, like you said, but it also, it, it helps, it's a mirror, it's a compassionate mirror.

It helps you. See your shadows in a loving way, right? Which is what we always need, especially when you're talking about like these parts of you that are probably more like inner children, right? You need a loving, compassionate mirror in front of you. And if all you have is your, your heart and self looking at yourself, you don't have that, right?

So human design can come in or genies, or any tool for that matter that helps you see yourself with more compassion, understanding, and that's when you can receive that part of you. But yeah, I mean, just having needs in general, that's why we've put away those shadow parts too, is because they are needy and they're selfish and they're loud and they don't maybe fit into society, right?

Or they Are too much or not enough or right. All the things are wrong with them, but they have needs. They have deep needs, and to have those needs be met by someone else has been shamed for a long time. I just did a reel on this yesterday, but it's just really fresh in my mind. It's like we've been shamed to seek validation, right?

In so many ways. In our marriages, right in, in our relationships, in the coaching industry, in the world, right? You should't need outside validation [00:40:00] and anybody that seeks it is just shallow and right, not, I don't know, good enough, whatever, right? How many ways can we shame ourselves? All the ways, but honestly, deeply, if you are seeking a lot of outside validation, it's because you really need to receive compassion and love.

You're begging for these shadow parts to be seen as lovable. And we, we, the sad part is we attach the validation to a lot of outside things, other values that actually aren't ours. Right. This is kind of like a, a, a way that our shadows take over our subconscious and make us act out in ways to seek attention and validation because we, like you said, you're opening up emotionally and your husband's actually receiving it with love.

That's desperate what we want. Right. But like you said, sometimes you kind of blow up

Mm-hmm.

and, and that happens, right? That's, that's what they do. That's what the shadows will do. They will take over your body and create these things. Right. But really if you are finding yourself, seeking a lot of outside validation, trying to prove yourself in a lot of ways in life, that really is something to look at, is like, Where do I have needs that I'm not asking them to be seen and met with love, right?

Like my need, my crazy pursuit to prove that I could get to a hundred K in my first year of coaching, I was obsessed, right? I got there and I did it, and I had no idea that I was trying to prove something at all at that point. But I got there and I was like, I hate what I'm doing.

mm-hmm.

didn't hate coaching at all.

I loved my people and I loved like helping them in those ways, but I hated the way I was doing everything, and I was so tired, right? And once I learned, oh, you're just trying to prove that you can be successful because you have that shadow that was told, right? That you're irresponsible or that part of you is irresponsible, right?

The part of you that actually doesn't really care about money is stupid. And really irresponsible and like makes you complete a complete flake, right? I was trying to prove against those thingss so hard when really asking for that outside validation from the world, whatever, right? I was really trying to prove to my family, I'm not a flake, but it's like, no, that part of me that actually is kind of flaky is desperately wanting love and attention, right?

That's all that is and, and I can ask for that part to be seen and validated. That part, not the part of me that can make a hundred k. The part of me that actually like wants to throw it all away and not do that.

Where do you pull the courage and the will to go from all of this energy that we are expending on a constant basis to keep that part of ourselves hidden,

Mm-hmm.

To switching over and deciding, I'm gonna, I'm gonna love this part of myself. I like, how do you even do that? Where do you, where do you start?

Yeah. Safety is the number one thing that I really help people in the world with in general, through my marketing, through my interactions within my podcast. I, I really help them cultivate inner safety, because that's what it takes. It takes feeling safe to disregard the world's values for your own right.

That's the whole thing that's kept us in this is, is safety. Right? It will I be loved? Will I still be. Able to make money to provide for my family, right? Will I still be able to show up and be the person I wanna be? There's a lot of deconstructing and like, actually, I don't wanna be that person anymore, right?

But it, it takes safety and it takes time, right? It's not like there's just this huge switch and all of a sudden one day you're gonna love yourself. Right? It like learning to love yourself isn't just rainbows and butterflies, right? It's actually this cur courageous commitment to continue to turn inward and get to know yourself and to choose yourself over and over and over again.

And it's just a slow process. And I mean, it doesn't necessarily have to move slowly, but I think to actually be able to do this, you can't just jump in completely. You will have a complete nervous breakdown. Right. If you do that, you, [00:45:00] your nervous system system will get overloaded. You won't be regulated.

And that's what we usually try and do. We jump in completely, right? It's like trying to jump into a pot of boiling water. What are you gonna do? You're gonna jump right out. Right? You can't, can't do that. And so it's, it's just leaning in what feels safe today. You know? I think getting support is super helpful.

A like-minded community, right? Like this podcast the people that are doing this work to support yourself with, because as you know, it can feel really lonely sometimes to be doing this work because not everybody is you know, it's, it's why I created my membership as well is cuz I want people to feel like they're surrounded by other people doing this exact work because it's, it's so healing.

To your nervous system. It's so healing to have compassionate witnesses around when it gets hard, but I think that's what it takes, is getting support slowly, learning that you can ask for more of it and you're worthy of it. Does, to answer your question,

a hundred percent. Tell us more about your membership. What is it called? Why did you create it? Give us all the details on that.

Yeah, so I have a podcast called Hack Your Human Design, and I've been building that for a while. And so it's just called the Hack Your Human Design Membership. It's just a monthly membership where you can come in. I have some foundational courses in there to help you get to know your design. And it's a community, it's a community platform, all one place.

There's an app, super fun and easy to navigate. There's coaching threads in there. You can connect with other members. You can see who's your type. I think eventually I really wanna have like breakout threads where it's like, here's all the projectors right in one thread, here's all the generators in one thread.

So you can just go and really connect with your people or what you're looking for. And there's gonna be weekly coaching calls and q and as and like monthly readings where you can come in and you can apply to get a certain aspect of your graph read by me in a lot more detail. And all those things will be uploaded to the same place so you can catch all the replays.

And I just really wanted to create a place of safety, like it's a low ticket offer where you can come in, feel safe, right? There's no monthly commitment. Like, no, like, you know, I'm not gonna make you commit to three or six or a year, you know? You can stay as long as you need. You can come in, you can get your feet wet.

See what it's like. Get to know your design a little bit and be like, is this what I want? Is this the tool for me? Is this a safe place for me to build on this work and have the courage I know I need to create and a and a pace that works for me budget wise. And then if you wanna take it deeper, you can.

Right? If you wanted to work one-on-one with me or somebody else, you could take that step. But I really, I wanted to bridge the gap. You know, I think there's so much information out there about human design and the genies you can go read. And yet the gap that I really see in this is where I thrive is an application like you and me in front of your graph really being like, Hey, this is where I'm struggling, or This is what's happening in my life and I can just really, like, your human design kind of talks to me in a way, and I know which place to go.

We can dive in, we can really. Help you learn that one part that would be most helpful for you right now, I think too, that, that can really help you cultivate this courage, right? It takes to do this work is just knowing where to start, right? There's so many things happening in your world, in the world, right?

In general and inside of your body. And if you don't understand what's going on, having someone that can be like, I think this is what's happening for you. It sounds like that to me. Does that sound good? We can go here. And then you're either like, oh my God, that's exactly what's happening. I'm so glad we bridged this gap.

You're like, Nope, you're full of shit, Melanie. Let's go somewhere else. Right? Like, it's totally fine. And so much of this work too just takes awareness. It doesn't really take a lot of action and that can also be really unnerving. And so having a community there to hold you through that and just witness you, you know, like that's.

Another thing I see is a community can just witness you process, and that's all you need to do. You know, there's, there's gonna be worksheets, there's gonna be coaching, right? There's gonna be actions you can take. And yet so much of the wor work is just showing up, being held, processing, and just letting time go by.

And that can seem really painful on your own, and you can spend yourself in circles. And so I think having a solid supportive community like that can help you just save your energy and not have to [00:50:00] do that so much. Stop running

Yeah.

it's time to slow down.

Yeah. I, yeah, that, that idea of a community that can, this is what I try to build in my retreats too, right? This feeling of like, you don't need to be fixed.

yeah.

are enough. We see you, can just be there and be held as you do this hard work of learning to love yourself. I think it's such a beautiful thing that you are building.

And yeah, to, to my listeners, like Melanie is the most generous human. Ever. She just gives so freely of her heart. So any, any way that you can follow her or listen to her, you are gonna get like major, major value in healing. So follow her on Instagram, listen to her podcast. Join her membership. If you're like me and you want that one-on-one she's incredible in the one-on-one space.

What, tell everyone like where to follow you on Instagram, et cetera. Like, give everyone a summary of where to find you.

so my Instagram it, my handle is just at Melanie Hill Coaching and that's you find me anywhere at Melanie Hill Coaching. That's my email, melanie melanie hill coaching.com. My website's melanie hill coaching.com. And yeah, if you follow me on Instagram too, that's probably where I update things the most.

You can get on my email list there, you can, you know, have the links page. You can send it for my membership. The cool thing too about my membership that I want people to know is there will be group coaching calls and it's very one-on-one. Like I really do want this to be an intimate place. I don't like, I wanna grow it to a hundred people this year.

But also I don't want it to exceed a hundred people. I think I can really hold a hundred people in that space. I wanna know your graph intimately. Like I wanna have access to it, I wanna have it in my software. So when you pop on the screen, you raise your hand and be coached or, or tell me what's happening for you.

We get to have a little one-on-one together. I have your graph and you in front of me, and it's just you and me, right? And you can get that help you need. And you're also giving an amazing gift to the rest of everybody that gets to witness you, hold you and learn from you. Right. And you can get in this community and you never, ever have to raise your hand and get coaching and get so much value from just applying that same coaching and same information that you're, you're hearing from everybody else to your own life, right?

In your own design. But yeah, I really, really, really, really am all about intimacy. Really having a connection, really helping you see yourself and guide yourself. And I want that to be felt in the membership, even though there's gonna be multiple people in there. That's how I wanna build my spaces.

So yeah, it's gonna, it's gonna be really cool and, you know, if you get in early, you can help me build it, which is kind of fun too. Every month we're gonna kind of have a new focus and build out a brand new course. And I also wanna have guests in there that can help with. You know, things like money and sex and pleasure and, you know, all those, all those other facets of life, and just help you learn all kinds of things and how your design can translate to those things as well.

So,

Ah, that's so like, I feel all lit up for you. This

I know, I'm so excited.

This sounds so good. And I like know that Melanie's not someone that will just say like, stuff to get you into her group. Like, a hundred percent. This is what that group's gonna be like. Cuz

No, if, if it didn't like excite the hell outta me, I would not even be doing this.

oh, it sounds so good.

I'm so excited. Anything, any last like, takeaway words that you wanna leave with the listeners today?

Yeah. I just want you to know that like you can totally do this and it feels really, really scary, but it's not ever as scary as you. And you will always survive it. And you can use any tool that calls out to you, and you don't even need these things. Like you have the knowing inside of you. These, these tools that we have, like human design and any other tool out there, they really are just helpful things to help you get on board with what you already wanna do and help your brain calm down and help your nervous system calm down so you can actually move forward in a way that feels good to you now.

And that's just what I want you to know. You can totally do this. It is doable, and this work will always serve you. It will never, ever, ever turn you into a lump on the couch that will never move again. For all my hustlers out there, like I totally. I know, I understand the fear of like, yeah, but if I like slow down or stop, I'm just gonna like never do anything productive again.

It's the opposite. You will produce so much more [00:55:00] in your life and it will be so much more fun and so much more giving and, and loving, and you will totally learn that what whatever you're inherently good at is really what the world needs more of. And like what could be more fun than that?